Monday, July 13, 2015

This was a year ago. It's only now that I can write about it.

The Procedure

I had always been told that at the age of 50 a person was supposed to get a colonoscopy. Well, I blew by 50 and had no intention of volunteering for that. I had heard Bill's horror stories and was fine laughing at his bungee experiences. Laughing along with him of course, not at him.

 Then, when I was 54, it all changed. A friend and co-worker of mine was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. The recommendation was made by her that everyone get tested. I said that I too, would get tested. I said that prior to understanding that "getting tested" meant having a colonoscopy.  I had assumed that getting tested meant a blood test, or looking down my throat or something. I didn't realize it at the time, but I had committed myself to the dreaded colonoscopy.

 I went to see my family doctor for a physical and everything checked out fine. He did some tests took some blood and looked down my throat. I asked him if that count as a colon cancer exam. He told me no and referred me to a wonderful specialist. Doctor Soandso, DDC.  He told me that Dr. Soandso was a fine Doctor of the Dreaded Colonoscopy. (DDC).

When the appointed day came, I had done all my prerequisites and was ready for my procedure. My son drove me out to the Bungee Center to dropped me off. We laughed all the way and made all the butt jokes we could think of on the way out. It reminded me of being 18 again. This could actually turn out to be fun. My wife was coming out later to drive me home. A person can't drive themselves home after the procedure. The drugs wear off slowly and people typically come in and out of consciousness and have a tendency to forget things and repeat themselves while recovering. I liked the idea of forgetting things, in fact, I was hoping to forget the whole process and just wake up at home.

As I donned nothing but a beautiful white, backless, strapless gown and sat on the gurney with an IV in my arm, the DDC and HER assistant came in to talk with me briefly before going into the procedure room. Yep, the Doctor of the Dreaded Colonoscopy was a woman, and so was her assistant. I wanted to call the whole thing off right there. I don't consider myself a sexist person, female doctors, dentists, and CEOs are fine with me. But a female Bungee Doctor? I wasn't sure I could go through with this. She even showed me the 'scope' they were going to use in all it's grandeur, and length. She told me I would probably be awake during the procedure and could watch on the monitor and ask questions. I said, "Like who won the 1987 NBA championship?  I didn't even get a grin out of her, just a look that said, "I feel sorry for your wife."

One thing I did have going for me, is the fact that drugs effect me strongly and quickly. I did not stay awake during the procedure, I was completely out before it started, I didn't watch on the monitor, and I still don't know who won the 1987 NBA championship.  

My first post procedure memory is waking up and seeing my wife in the recovery room. She had come to pick me up and take me home. She didn't look particularly happy though. I figured she might need some joviality at this time to help relieve the stress of seeing me in this situation. I looked at her in a serious manner and said, "The doctor said they found my head."

She looked at me, even more perturbed, and replied, "That's about the tenth time you've told someone that. It's time to just be quiet so we can get out of here."

The Doc said I don't need to come back for 10 years, but I'm shootin' for 20.  

1 comment:

  1. Is there irony that you wrote about a bungee procedure on Lindsey's birthday?